Why Perfect Couples Get Divorced

In July I used an example of how my husband was driving me nuts by leaving the kitchen cabinet doors open.  By writing about it I put a lot of focus on it.  Then readers loved it and commented on it to me in email so I thought about it some more.

Over the months I realized the kitchen cabinets were left open even when my husband was on a business trip.  So who do you think leaves the kitchen cabinet doors open now?  Me.

To top it off, some of the cabinets are now popping open by themselves or simply won't stay shut.  Coincidence?  Hardly.

What you focus on expands.

Try This...

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Look around the room and count the number of white items you see.  Now close your eyes and tell me how many brown ones there are.

Life is like that.  If you see people cutting you off in traffic and you focus on it you're going to find yourself in more and more similar situations.

It could start off as something silly, simple or "no big deal, really" like them leaving the kitchen cabinets open.

At first blush these things aren't a big deal - unless you focus on them.

How Focus Works
If you focus on them and when you do it feels terrible, that's your emotions telling you that you're heading in a direction you won't like.

Pretty soon you're thinking about all of the times they haven't said "I love you" while never seeing the things they do to show love (and that could be your husband filling your car with windshield wiper fluid).

Next thing you know you're mad that they don't call when they're going to be late for dinner, you feel like you never have a proper date and they don't treat you like a woman should be treated.

If you're a man, the flip side is they don't appreciate all of your hard work, they nag you and they demand emotional things from you that feel awkward for you to implement and then don't even appreciate it when you try.

As time goes by you're calling your lawyers wondering where it went wrong...

...and it was all because of some socks left on the floor or the simple fact that you didn't see all of the ways they were living love, even if they weren't saying it.

Which Means:
You manifested all of the things you were trying to avoid.

"I don't want to live in a pig sty."

You want to avoid this so you look at the socks and complain about them instead of focusing on what you want instead.

Most people do this.

They pick apart what's wrong and analyze it over and over thinking the solution lies with with the other person or it's something they can "fix".

At lunch with the girlfriends "And can you believe he did this...?"  Or out with your mates, "She's all over me, I can't get a break..."

Then you go home and try to implement a solution "I need you to call me..." or "I need you to give me a break..." and all along you're both looking at what's wrong, trying to fix what's wrong (or just run away from it, like a dog with a can tied to its tail) and getting more and more out of sync.

If you want to avoid this terribly common and disaster-prone cycle here is what you do:

1. Acknowledge the problem to yourself.
   It's not about putting a happy face on things or pretending things don't bother you. It's OK to be tweaked with the socks on the floor.  Denying who you are right now will get you nowhere.
      
   
2. Then quickly ask yourself "OK, now what do I want?"
   So you don't like the socks on the floor - what do you want?  What you focus on expands in your life, so you want to focus on what you want, not on what you don't want.
      
   
3. Make sure your solution feels great when you picture it.
   "I want him to pick up his socks" might not help you.  Only you can manifest in your life; only they can manifest in theirs.  Trying to get someone else to participate in your manifestation can quickly make you feel powerless and frustrated ("If only you would do this, I could be happy!"  No, only you can make you happy.)
   
   A different solution about the socks could be:
   "I really want to be in love.  I want to appreciate my mate.  I want to find what they do cute.  I want to find myself totally enamored of them the way I used to be."
      
   If you focus on this you may laugh at the socks, not notice the socks or joyfully throw your socks in the same pile.  But your relationship will feel so much better.  Find your own good-feeling intention that truly feels great when you think about it.  Perhaps the socks play a role in your vision.  Perhaps you focus on the health of the relationship in general.  Only you know what truly feels great to you.
      
   
4. Focus on what you want.
   Now that you know what you want, give it your undivided attention at least once a day.  Get up in the morning and picture your intention and how good it feels to bask in it.  Write down your intention as if it's already here.  Find ways to bring this intention into your life.
   
   It's not about being perfect.  It's about being more in tune with the vision you want than with the vision you don't want.
   
   If one day you're still frustrated with the socks don't deny it.  Acknowledge it, ask what you want now, find a way to write an intention that feels great and focus on it some more.  Even just 10 minutes. Even just once a day.  Your life will shift in positive ways.  Your relationship will reflect that.

I'm not against divorce.  Some couples were never compatible to begin with.  Some have shifted so much a change is good.

But there are a fair number of couples out there who started off in sync and would have stayed in sync if only they had applied the power of positive focus to their lives - before things got so bad they just couldn't picture good things at all.

So focus on what you want...

...and live happily ever after!

"If we had...anyone, and we caught them doing something inappropriate, we would not amplify it with our words. We would identify what it is we do not want, and then out of it would come the rocket of desire of what we do want, and then we would just visualize, visualize, visualize, until we find peace within our vision. When you make someone and their action the heart of a vision that you've spent time on -- your relationship improves, your experience is better, and they receive the benefit of the experience. But if you catch them, and see them, and worry about it, and put mechanisms in place to prevent it, now you have not only amplified it, you have now made a commitment that is hooking you both into that, until usually it gets big enough that you break apart, and then you attract others to fulfill that role." - The Teachings of Abraham with Esther Hicks, Excerpted from a workshop in Chicago, IL on Sunday, April 25th, 1999