I found an old blog I had archived years ago and forgotten. Look at what I posted on May 17, 2008 - it's awesome! (BTW, that 4 yo is 10 now, we don't eat soy anymore, we did move into a bigger house, and I still love washing dishes.)
If you are feeling frustrated, trapped, or otherwise wanting to run away from home, read this:
I had a great Mother’s Day.
My husband pampered me with the perfect combination of flowers, attention and time off. But come Monday I had to ask myself time and again, what is my problem? Instead of feeling renewed I wanted to claw my eyes out.
The littlest thing triggered me.
“Get me more soy milk.”
“Please? Can I get a please? WHERE IS THE PLEASE?!“
I felt like a caged animal.
I pursed my lips and paced around the house – a feat which is both easy and hard to do.
Easy because the house is so small. Hard because there are usually toys on the floor, the couches, the coffee table, the kitchen table, the kitchen bench, the kitchen floor and if they could be, suspended in air by the sheer volume of their presence.
In fact, come to think of it, we should move. The house is too small, my kids are demanding and I hate my SAHM day job.
Whoa! Back up a bit! Where did this come from?
When Law of Attraction Screws With Your Head
I’ve been practicing the Law of Attraction for years now. I know how to manage your thoughts to find a better-feeling place.
Appreciate your kids. That’s it. Think good thoughts. You love them.
Ok, appreciate the house. You love this neighborhood. Think about that.
“Get these toys outta my way!”
Ok, your husband?
“Oh, he-who-is-enjoying-time-with-adults-right-now? Riiiight.”
The fact that you can wear sweats all day?
“I feel fat.”
Nothing was working.
The more I thought about it the more I realized that with the exception of Mother’s Day, these creeping thoughts, the feeling of being caged up and the woe-is-me pattern had been stealthily building for days. They were so stealthy I didn’t notice them.
(Shh, hush up back there or she’ll find out about us and re-align us into oblivion. Stay close now. We’ve got her right where we want her.)
I needed some serious help. I was spiraling down fast.
Dear God, please give me some insight into what is going on and how to get out of it!
Why I Love Dishes
My epiphany came (as they often do) while I was doing the dishes.
“Stop fighting reality.”
I paused mid-dish. Then I threw back my head and laughed.
It all made perfect sense now.
I kept wanting more free time, more space, more ease, more intellectual stimulation, more more more…
…while I was focusing on what I did not like.
You cannot move to a new reality while you are still stuck in the old one, it is law.
And the old reality, being the more practiced one, the more familiar one, the I’ve-already-unpacked-my-bags-and-chosen-my-side-of-the-bed-one must be dealt with carefully.
My score was three out of four.
I was denying my feelings. Everything is fine. Just FINE, thank you.
I was fighting it. I refuse to feel put upon! Kids – tend to yourselves!
I tried to put a happy face on it. How can I be ungrateful? My family is awesome. I will smile no matter what because they deserve a happy mom.
“Stop fighting reality.”
Ok. Let me look at my life. I have a four year old. I have a baby. I’m a stay at home mom. Kids require attention. They have needs. Life is not as it was when I was single.
As soon as I was able to look around at “what is” without judgment, without flinching and without a fight I felt immense, incredible and immediate relief.
I am ready to focus on what I DO want without the baggage. I am in love with my life. I purr with gratitude
My daughter pops her head into the kitchen just then. “Can you get me more soy milk, please, mommy?” She is all bright and shiny. She smells like sunshine.
Nothing has changed in those fifteen minutes except me. But that makes all the difference. :)